January 2, 2010
2009 came and went and took a few known souls along the way. We lost the guy who sung Thriller, Johnny Carson’s drunk buddy, the girl who used to be fat in Clueless and the least liked Kennedy brother. I lean more towards indifference over nature’s selection. I don’t mean to sound callus. Obviously I didn’t take satisfaction in the death of anyone we lost this year. If anything I found myself a bit bewildered. Why you ask? Because if a year ago today I had put money down on a dead pool I would have been 0 for 10 and out a Benjamin. How do we lose Farrah Fawcett yet Amy Winehouse still spews rotted carbon monoxide all across the globe? How does the Grim Reaper pick and choose the newly departed? Is it the same way we pick imaginary vacations off a spinning globe? As if any of us are really going to visit Greenland someday.
The internet is being littered with lists of celebrities who we lost this year. But as far as I can tell no one is doing list of famous people we can’t believe did die. So with that… here is mine.
10. Hugh Hefner – Print is dead, yes he still roams the halls of the mansion like a zombie looking for a midnight snack. As long as he lives they are going to keep giving TV shows to his dumb blond girlfriends he’s not sleeping with.
9. Pat Buchanan – Sure he’s only 71 but his views make McCain look like a young republican. Not only that but Fox feels the need to get his opinion every time a congressman has a sex scandal or a little girl falls down a well.
8. Amy Winehouse – When you’re snorting coke out of your own skull then it’s time to leave this world.
7. Scott Weiland – No one loves STP more than me, but I can’t keep up with what band he’s in when I’m sober… how does he do it before lunch?
6. Britney Spears – How can someone keep surviving a train wreck head on?
5. Jimmy Carter – As relevant today as he was when he ran our fine nation. Is he still talking?
4. Lindsay Lohan – If I see her crotch one more time I will take my own life.
3. Fidel Castro – My hope is Cuba just found a way to animate dead tissue and they’re playing a joke on us.
2. Keith Richards – As long as this man walks the Earth I question what living a healthy life is really doing for me?
1. Abe Vigoda – Don’t get me wrong… I love this man. But he was a 100 when I was born and if he outlives me I am going to be really pissed.
0 Comments