November 15, 2011
10. Porn Star
At one time a mustache was a requirement to work in the sex entertainment business. As lower area hair became less desirable, so did all hair everywhere. There are still those who wear the pornstache. I salute them. My inability to grow a good mustache was the only thing keeping me out of “the business.”
9. Cop
They are there to protect and serve, while looking manly as Hell. You can’t have a badge and a gun without donning that awesome authoritstache. If you eat as many doughnuts as these guys, you would really value that advantage of a flavor saver.
8. Princess Rescuer
Sure, you thought it would be a great accessory, but that was before you realized you were going to spend your days going from castle to castle saving a princess. You know you’ll never be able to shave it off now. Your razor is in another castle.
7. Movie Critic
All best best have them: Gene Shalit, Leonard Maltin, Joel Siegel. There is something about a really big and scary mustache that makes you have to watch movies by yourself and talk about them the next day to complete strangers. Shave it off, and perhaps someone just might go with you.
6. Karate Master
Your mustache is good, but my mustache is better. If you’re going to learn karate to avenge the death of your father, then you better be sure your master has a big ol’ mustache and an awesome leg sweep.
5. Carnie
Nothing hides bad oral hygiene like a gaggle of hair on your upper lip. If you can’t grow one to the carnival’s satisfaction, you can always glue one of those lame caterpillars they give away at the dart booth onto your lip. No one could tell the difference.
4. Pedophile
Perhaps this really isn’t a job. It’s more of a way of life. How else are you going to look nice for your mugshot and your profile in the sex offender database?
3. Evil Villain
Ever try to be a bad guy without a mustache? No one takes you seriously. Just try to launch a missile or kidnap the President’s wife without a really awesome mustache. It just won’t work. An excellent Fu Manchu is the key to good villainy!
2. Ringmaster
Ladies and gentlemen! Check out my amazing mustache! There is no way you can command the crowd if you don’t have a powerful mustache. Anything less, is a county fair.
1. When You Work With Daryl Hall
You’d do it, you’d do it, you’d do it, you’d do it in a minute…. well, or for a few weeks depending on how long it would take for you to grow it. It is amazing. It is iconic. Rock it!
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