I’m not going to try and fool you here, I’m not very good at marriage.

I know… big shocker.

I’ve made attempts from time to time and have conceded to the fact that I am a serial monogamist. The whole “lifetime commitment” is really more than I can wake up to each day. I began to think there was something wrong with me.

After much thought I realized it wasn’t me. It was marriage itself. We’ve been doing it wrong the whole time. Too many rash decisions based on current emotions, emotions that won’t be around years from now. Maybe even months. Geez, maybe even the next day. (This applies to trips to Vegas.)

You can’t convince me you’re going to love that person 40 years from now as much as you do today. And when that happens, what do you do hot shot… what do you do?

Well, I’ve found the answer and it was sitting in our backyard the whole damn time.

Marriage Terms.

We need to start looking at marriage the same way we look at politics. Marriage needs to be severed in 4 years terms.

How will this work?

Easy! It starts when you find the person you love, or like… maybe even like-like. Honestly it doesn’t matter. So let’s just say tolerate. Upon finding this person you get one of their friends or family to nominate you for ‘Husband/Wife’. From that time you begin to campaign to their peers. Note that others may run against you at this time. Old high school flames, lonely coworkers, the guy who makes the donuts, anyone can run for this office. Then you must prove to them you’re ‘the one’. You also pick a ‘vice spouse’ who will assume your duties if you’re unable to (death, lost at sea, running from the alter). If their peers find you acceptable and marriage worthy, they vote you in and you begin a four year term as spouse.

During the term you must completely fulfill the role as spouse as you will be under much scrutiny. Success is usually judged by what you do in the first 100 days. “Did you fulfill their sexual needs, are you nice to their parents, do you pretend you want to watch Dancing with the Stars together”. All of this is noted and reviewed.

Upon this time if you wish to have children you must present it to your friends and family in a bill. That bill must be approved before having children. This will prevent dumb people from breeding as inadequate parents will immediately have their bill vetoed.

Cheating, unlike politics, may result in impeachment or a Movie of the Week.

At the end of the four year term you must run for marriage again. Note that at that time others may once again run againts you. This is why you must always work to maintain your approval rating. Nothing is worse that being a one term spouse.

If successful you may start another term. There are no term limits and if you’re a worthy spouse, you can hold the office for life.

Now, here is where it gets good. At the end of any term, if you no longer wish to be the ‘spouse’, then you can decide not to run. You’re free to begin writing your memoirs and start construction of your spousal library.

Let’s face it. The district (spouse) you’re attached to tends to change over time. Sometimes the district has a new attitude, it has grown over time by 30-60 lbs or even give up on waxing its upper lip hair.

I truly believe this is the answer for marriage. If this was instated I could see me getting married 5 or 6 more times. This time I will make sure I have a better campaign manager.