January 6, 2015
Brought to you by Senestre Creative
A few years ago, I had a dream that I was living in Boise and playing with my daughters. At the time, I was 1,000 miles away, living in Los Angeles, only seeing them on holidays and extended weekends. I thought that was enough until that night. Within two weeks of waking up sad that the dream wasn’t real, I packed everything up and moved to the Potato State. (Yes… I know it’s the Gem State.)
I’ve adapted moderately since the move. I almost own winter clothing. I bought a 4×4 SUV. I’ve managed to surround myself with local actors, artists, and generally awesome people. I even met an amazing girl who thinks I’m funny.
Weird.
But adapting isn’t easy. It’s a daily challenge. If only someone had warned me about a few things ahead of time so I could’ve prepared.
So if you just woke up from a dream that’s leading you on a journey to Boise, Idaho, here are 10 things you should know. (It was going to be 11, mentioning that BSU Bronco fans are all bandwagon fans… but really, isn’t that true everywhere?)
1. Boise has no sense of urgency.
Whether it’s traffic, construction, food, or just life in general, don’t expect anything to happen quickly. When a stoplight turns green, allow for the mandatory 18-second delay while the neurons of the drivers ahead of you ooze like syrup through their central nervous systems before finally reaching the accelerator. Then grip the steering wheel firmly as they crawl toward the next light… or down the interstate.
Road construction is basically a permanent fixture. In L.A., you’d see crews working day and night to finish a project. In Boise, get used to streets being blocked off and orange cones diverting you all over the interstate. Just don’t get used to actually seeing anyone working there.
An hour-long lunch just doesn’t happen. The servers here are excellent, so this isn’t a jab at them. But the restaurants love you so much they simply don’t want you to leave. Plan on about 90 minutes if you want good food.
P.S. There really is great food here.
No one in Boise is in a hurry.
2. You will drink a ton of beer.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I mean, who doesn’t love beer?
Actually, don’t answer that.
I can tell you who definitely loves beer: Boise.
In L.A., I’d meet writers, actors, and friends at coffee shops or amazing sandwich places. Here it’s bars. Always bars. Everyone’s chasing the best happy hour or the newest local brewery.
Somewhere along the way, I became a beer snob myself. I constantly find myself trying new local craft beers.
Usually in high volume.
Burp.
Ten pounds later, I’ve accepted that I now, too, love beer.
3. Boise is an ancient Native American phrase meaning “Land of Excessive Stoplights.”
Ever wanted to drive 50 feet, stop, drive another 50 feet, and stop again?
Move here.
4. The farther you get from downtown, the redder it gets.
I live near downtown, work downtown, and spend most of my time around people downtown. We hug trees, defend Obama, and laugh at religious zealots.
The farther you get from the North End, though, the more you’ll hear Fox News playing in dentist offices and Jiffy Lubes.
Ada County leaned blue. The surrounding counties drank the Kool-Aid and voted with what appears to be an eighth-grade education.
If you still think Romney was the answer, Meridian might be a better fit.
5. No one gives the courtesy wave.
Let someone merge in front of you.
Don’t expect a wave.
You’re welcome, asshole.
6. Dating profile pictures proudly feature dead animals and guns.
You move to a new city. You’re single. You try online dating.
Good luck finding a profile that isn’t filled with dead deer, giant fish, camouflage, rifles, duck faces, or duck faces while standing over dead ducks.
With dead faces.
7. The sushi is decent, and there’s a lot of it.
This town loves sushi. Considering it borders cow pastures, maybe don’t ask too many questions about what you’re eating.
Just smile and say thank you.
In the years I’ve been here, I’m still discovering new sushi places.
No Dragon Roll left behind.
8. Everyone has dated everyone.
It’s strangely incestuous.
And weird.
9. They don’t know how to farmers market.
You’d think Idaho would be the king of incredible produce.
After shopping at Los Angeles farmers markets, I expected Idaho to knock my socks off.
Instead, you’ll find overpriced ukuleles, artisan jams with names you can’t pronounce, and a shocking lack of actual vegetables. The little produce that is there costs more than Whole Foods.
The Boise Farmers Market is really just a place to grab coffee and accidentally run into people you know.
Or your ex.
Whatever.
10. You’ll meet some of the greatest people in the world here.
Seriously.
I’ve met some of the best people in my life since moving here.
No town is perfect. No city is flawless.
You live where you fit in.
Even though I’m still years away from being considered a true local, I can feel myself slowly becoming one.
Also, avoid a guy named Kevin Plencner, he’s a real estate thief and an all around horrible person.
Sadly there’s no longer a Boise Film Festival, Lana Westbrook embezzled the money.
Sadly there’s no longer a Boise Film Festival, Lana Westbrook embezzled the money.
36 Comments
Go to IOU Sushi! Its the best!
You sound like a GIGANTIC asshole. I would say to go back to LA but I love that place and I doubt they want you back. Maybe proofread your whiny, little bitch sesh next time, eh? You don't want to sound like one of us slack-jawed yokels, do you??
Pack up your Honda Element and GTFO, yuppie scum.
^yeah what that guy said only less aggressive.
These people are a prime example of what you were talking about. Lol. I think it was spot on. Good write.
I agree with James ^^^
Hit a nerve perhaps? Do you make out with your mom with that mouth?
Thanks man!
Thanks! I will check it out
I agree with James as Well. Love it! Land of excessive stop lights. Too True! Hahaha
This user certainly wasn't in a hurry to construct a moderately-neat or decently proofread short piece.
I have lived in boise the 24 years ive been alive. I love this town and most the people who live in it . I could see why asphaltandflowers could have taken offense from your article. But hate only breeds more hate theres no need for that. But seriously tho if u would have worded your article differently u could have made all the points u did but without sounding like u would rather be somewhere else with your family in a heartbeat. And i can get anywhere in boise in 15 mins. Also i drink a beer every week or so. How much u put into your body depends on the person. Not the state u live in beer is everywhere lol. But yea if u are city slicker at heart idaho isnt for you its more for the nature lover that is willing to look past the gruff red minds of the people u live with because u know that they are what is keeping the gangsters and the city slickers out
As a Boise Native, I will just say that the only thing you need to know before moving here is that this article is pretty exaggerated. I'm not saying your experience is wrong, per se, but it's certainly unusual. I suppose your perspective comes from moving from a place that's so different from here, and it makes sense that different people adjust to different places, well, differently.
Born and raised idahan love it. Best place to live and alway give a courtesy wave!
Grew up in Boise, but recently moved away.
I would lIke to say though, that this is the most accurate way to describe Boise, ID.
the only thing missing is BSU, but like stated, it wasn't truly necessary. I am now going to show this to people when they just aren't understanding how I'm describing "where I'm from"
Love love love this!!! So dead on and yes, I'm a fellow north end liberal that has to deal with clement Leroy (butch otters real first name) as a governor. 29 years here born and bred and love everything you said!!!!!!! Well done ?
I found this through a friend's post. I liked some of the things you said, but it was all very negative. Do you not like Boise? Also, being rude won't get you anywhere, just saying. Since when was supposedly being right justify rudness and slander.
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I didn't find it negative. It was pretty accurate… and I make out with his mom with this mouth
That's hot
Making rash generalizations about an entire community's education based on how they vote is judgemental. Your the reason the community as a whole has negative view of Californians. That was ignorant and bigot'ed. You should be ashamed. The community also wouldn't seem incestual if you ventured outside your Liberal bubble, refusing to participate in the portions of society that don't agree with you is similar in behavior to The Klan, ISIS, and every other radical group that believes only their opinion is correct and educated. Your a poor example of a human being and your opinion is intolerant. If you don't like the small community feel…. Leave.
I have visited Boise and loved this town, especially the people who live in it. People are always searching for the best happy hours and beer deals. Though sometimes they act stupidly and drive drunk. My friend works in office of a DUI lawyer and have told me never to drive drunk.
You forgot one — Boise people text and drive like no other. The worst.
P.S.: You forgot to mention how awesome the foothills are.
Ha, this attitude is why I left the great northwest for Southern California.
Good to see you are still writing Bill.
J. Elliott (Newshax)
Totally spot on and funny! I'm from Boise, so I know.
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I am from Philadelphia and I am seriously considering a move to the Treasure Valley area. I have visited and I can say that the people were very nice and polite. The pace seemed a bit slower, but I actually think that's a good thing. Based on what I experienced, it's a great place. The east coast is congested, everyone is in a hurry and so many of the people are just nasty for no reason. When I was Boise complete strangers would look me in the eye and say hello. So strange to me, but wonderful. I made it a point to visit the Boise Metro Chamber of Commerce and even attended one of their events and I was pleasantly surprised to meet three people from my area that had moved there within the last two years. One man had just moved there within the last week.
As far as the people you call "RED" are concerned, perhaps you should be a little more open to other viewpoints. I'm not a child so I realize that there are extremists on both sides but most conservatives are people who are just concerned about the direction our society is headed in. I admit that I voted for Obama and if I had it over I wouldn't have. He's not who/what I thought he was.
I would very much like to see a return to more traditional values when we valued things like family and morals. You're entitled to your opinion, but part of me thinks you don't appreciate the wonderful position you're in especially considering the fact that you have children to raise. Believe me when I tell you that you wouldn't want to raise them in Philadelphia.
Thank you for your insight! I have to imagine you gave a pretty good description
I am from Philadelphia also and moving to Boise in August 2016….we just sold our house in Philly at a great loss just to get out…..price of freedom I call it.
I have a 2yo and a 3yo and cannot imagine raising them in Philadelphia , I cannot wait to get to Boise.
The article above sounded pretty snarky, I guess different people have different views.
(To the writer)
Growing up in Romania during communism i can tell you that you have no idea how good you have it here(in the USA).
Living in Philadelphia for 13years I can tell you that you have no idea how good you have it in Boise.
Many people take a lot of things for granted and it's very sad.
I look forward to moving to Boise and raise my kids there.
Moving to Boise from Orange County in… gulp!… two weeks. This was helpful. I look forward to less rush rush rush and less traffic. I'll try to be patient at stop lights and steer clear of the sushi. Thanks!!
Moving to Boise from Orange County in… gulp!… two weeks. This was helpful. I look forward to less rush rush rush and less traffic. I'll try to be patient at stop lights and steer clear of the sushi. Thanks!!
I'm also moving to Boise from Orange County! I'm leaving Anaheim on October 1st… kind of nervous, kind of excited.
I did this because I write… and I have opinions. And, I'm GIGANTIC!!!
Hello Im in Mission Viejo CA but, thinking on moving to Boise Idaho. Did you moved to Idaho? Is it better than Orange County meaning environment?
How is it going in Boise so far?
I'm considering moving to Boise. I was raised in a suburb of Denver. I have lived in Phoenix for the past 4 years. The heat in Phoenix is so awful for 8 months a year in my opinion.
I heard the the air quality in Boise is dangerous year round. So bad you shouldn't breath it. Of course you have to breath but I'm concerned about hurting my lungs.
I am also concerned about only meeting people who are religious kooks. Unfortunately the most dishonest and deceitful people I have ever met throughout my life are the ones who claim to be the strongest Christians.
Any thoughts on the air quality and religious kooks?
Ha, I loved this article and can relate completely! I've lived in Sun Valley, Bend, Seattle, San Francisco and San Diego. I loved them all and had great experiences, but I have to say that I really haven't acclimated well to Boise at all. We have a fantastic home and have met some great people but compared to many other places I've lived, Boise is simply just kind of boring….
I moved here for the myth of all the great activities, year round mild weather (yeah right!), family friendliness etc etc. However, it seems that we're always traveling FROM here to do anything that's really fun. The kids are extremely bored and getting very tired of the usual hiking through brush (not trees), riding the green-belt, floating the river or spending a fortune at Roaring Springs for a "Whiskey Tango" fest. Kind of defeated the purpose in my perspective. Heading back soon to greener pastures, but we will be leaving some very good friends unfortunately.